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The good thing about not drinking is that I remember everything, and the bad thing about not drinking is that I remember everything. 
So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.
I'm the Jason Bourne of finding an escape route out of the bar once the lights come on and reveal the creature I've been talking to.
Law of Reverse Dynamics: When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty When a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich.
If a police ever stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?
"Sorry user has too many friend requests" - every stalker's frustration!
"No diet will remove all the fat from your body, because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."
I'm going to start telling people I don't drink. Because I don't think a few beers once a week really counts. I'm not always a Hypocrite....but when I am.....I prefer to contradict myself with Dos Equis. Stay thirsty my friends
Did you eat a bowl of frosted flakes this morning ? Cause you look GRRRREEAATT
The end of every episode of "Man vs. Food" turns into "Man vs. Toilet."
I got gas today for $2.45 to bad it was from taco bell
hand over the casey anthony case to law and order svu...they have it solve in a hour
▶Music♩♪♫♬ Volume: ▁ ▂ ▃ ▄ ▅ ▆ █ 100 %
I have come to the conclusion that Google must be female, as she has the answer to everything and Yahoo is a Male , pointless and never works ..
The TSA found what they where looking for in that 95 year old's diaper. Their brains.
Facebook makes me nosey =)
Pet Peeve #5742....It annoys me when people text me and I respond and then all of a sudden it stops in mid-text like your stopping in mid conversation...and then I patiently wait and nothing... it drives me crazy...finish your text or dont text me at all!
I found a pillbug. He curled into a ball. That's how he rolls.
Contact your local cable provider and ask them for ESPN 8 "The Ocho" If it's almost a sport, it's on "The Ocho!"
some days 25 to life just seems like it would be worth it!!!!! 