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Marilyn Manson had a Sex-Change Operation and people now call him Lady GaGa 
RT @ebertchicago Friends don't let jackasses drink and drive
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Irony Definition: Ryan Dunn dying from that same thing that made him famous.
spent 2 years in Siberian prison, only to find out it closed after the first month of being there...
Dear Best Buy truck driver , thanks for the fresh load of fertilizer in my shorts . Next time look both ways before pulling out .
Life is Great, if it was any better, I would have to charge myself admission!
Some people's opinion doesnt matter and quite frankly never will..
I've never seen that tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."
I'm starting to think the word Gourmet means "Put something wierd on it, and triple the price"
Dear God, Lets make a trade. Ryan Dunn for Justin Bieber? Love, Everyone.
“The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
I went to the store and got me some Oreo's. As I was walking back to my car I saw a friend who told me that it was his birthday today...so for the 1st time ever, without being sarcastic, I was able to say "What...Do you want a cookie or something?"
I met a woman who told me she wanted to walk a mile in my shoes. I guess she liked them because that was three weeks ago and I haven't seen her since.
Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
It's not officially summer until you start forgetting what day of the week it is.
When I was little, I used to watch the raindrops roll down the window and see which one "won"
I wish I had a fly swatter with me, when I sit next to people who dont cover their mouth when they yawn or cough.
My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines and a large trash can.
Proof of insurance Officer? Of course didn't you see my two State Farm stickers on my bumper? 