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Having kids is like a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next." "No, you can't really fly - next." 
► Play the moments ▌▌ Pause the memories ■ Stop the pain ◄◄ Rewind the happiness. Be a remote in your life
The hardest thing in life is letting go of what you thought was real.
I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.
Just learned the hard way not to scream hi to my friend jack on a plane.
I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.
Teacher: From all this noise I assume you're done working Student: From all this b**ching I assume you're still single
a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!
People should STOP complaining about Facebook's privacy settings. If you want some PRIVACY, you should go back to Myspace.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?"
I still don't understand how finishing my food is going to save a starving child in Africa.
Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
An Arab invented the original mechanical clock, which is odd since Arabs are never on time.
Why is it that whenever I wish someone a happy birthday they always assume Facebook reminded me? Do you ever think maybe just maybe I care that much to remember the day you were born.
Got in a fight. You should see the other guys....they are perfectly fine.
I have so many questions for people in lesbian marriages. Like, who is the wife and who is the husband? Who buys who flowers? Who opens doors for the who? Who leaves the toilet seat up? Who makes who a sandwich? Who just sits on the sofa watching sport?
I line Dance just so I can kick people and get away with it
just read the thermometer and it read "stay in the house" ..
Made up words that people use to sound smart: Supposably, Irregardless, Exspecially 