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certain that the news companies are now just making stuff up to try and scare us because I've just seen the headline 'KILLER CUCUMBER CLAIMS 10 LIVES.' 
Sometimes I need to recheck my facebook account to remember what I did this past weekend.
you can't say the following words without sounding like an Irishman swearing: WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Ran into a fat guy with big sideburn chops. He looked like a cross between Chris Farley and Ron Jeremy.
■Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
I could pull it off but my liver is calling in sick in the morning
Oh wow. you're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my a@s?
Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.
Whenever I have gum, I suddenly get a lot more friends.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate
I tell women that I invented the phrase "LOL." It gets me so much ass.
Overweight British hookers really know how to convert their pounds into dollars.
Next time someone asks you who pissed in your cheerios. Tell them I did it.
when I walk away it doesn't mean you win... it means I'm going to get backup
Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is kinda messed up.
Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?
This is amazing! Copy and paste this as your status, and within 5 minutes, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN! This really works! I tried it twice and it worked both times. Copy and paste this as your status, more people need to know about this ♥♥♥
Gnomeo & Juliet -- red v.s. blue -- so thats where it all started
Pick up line of the day: Hey, did you know that girls can't touch their elbows together? (works best with women wearing low-cut shirts) 