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Just winked at myself in a mirror and physically felt the soul leave my body. 
Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of LIberty.
I'll probably be too drunk to remember the apocalypse
wondering, can I still use the big stall if my handicap is being emotionally crippled?
And the Thunder rolls... Right outta the playoffs.
Apocalypse shopping list: 1. Flame thrower 2. 25 boxes of aluminum foil 3. Pogo stick 4. 3 dozen wind up chattering teeth 5. 20 pounds of Lobster tail (Carman Electra's favorite) 6. 15 cases Grey Goose vodka 7. Strobe light 8. Disco Ball
I'm in that awkward stage between jail bait and a cougar - Janie
WALL-MARTIANS... it's worth the trip
... Dude, turn it down before your windows fall out.
headed to check my MYSPACE... (crickets chirping)
Oprah's LAST LIVE show is happening tonight at the United Center. Rumors have it that amongst giving away Lake Michigan or a house right next to Mt. Rushmore's presidents, she might just be giving away another presidency!
Give yourself an even greater challenge than the one you are trying to master and you will develop the powers necessary to overcome the original difficulty.
UseI think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster
The awkward moment when your chair makes a farting noise & no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again.
Hollywood is doing another “Mad Max” movie, where gas is so expensive that people steal and kill to get it. It takes place sometime in the future — like this coming July...
Some people would be in such good shape if they ran as much as their mouth does
The only reason nice guys finish last is because they're holding the door for everyone else.
... and just think what the accent will be like on that Hispanic Schwarzenegger kid
WOW!!!! Gas is $3.85 what happened to $3.99? I can finally stop getting money out of my savings just to get gas
Zombie squirrels will feast on your nuts. 