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likes girls for their hearts. Their big, bouncy, jiggly hearts. 
So the name of the show will now be One and a Half Men and a Douche?
So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dlck on his face"
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
I don't think an athiest has the right to listen to "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey!! Go listen to "Nothing Happens When You Die" and whine on your message boards!!
Ashton Kutcher replaching Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men"?... Well, I guess it'll be called "One and a Half and a Quarter Man" now. -_-'
u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!!
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.
There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together.
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!
Osama had porn, Pepsi, Coke, TV, strange drugs, three women and more! Are you sure we killed Osama Bin Laden and not Charlie Sheen?
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil
When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, put him into a double stroller, and run around looking frantic.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet 