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Wanna get laid? Just crawl up a chicken's ass and wait! 
Due to the highly confidential nature of my job, I am not allowed to know what I am doing.
rRjection is tough, I heard that your hand fell asleep on you last night
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
Still waiting on the United States to hold concerts for money to donate to Alabama and those affected in the horrible tornados. We do it for everyone else for any other reason right?
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Ukrainian Mail-Order Brides is the way to go
The only thing more interesting than the royal wedding is... Ooh look, the dog is chasing his tail again!
I heard the Royle wedding is having a horse drawn carriage or Prince Charles just calls her Camilla
Obama was confused, it's not his "Birth Certificate" it's a "Gift Certificate"...
Some guys think all they have to do is try hard to get a girl, but what they don't know is the most important part is keeping her
Monday is the strongest day of all the weekdays, even though it is cursed by every other person in this world, it still exists
I had a nightmare. I dreamt I was you.
There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding". A little knowledge behind every "I don't know". A little emotion behind every "I don't care", and a little pain behind every "it's okay"...
Google has gotten so used to my search habits, all I have to do is type a celebrity's name and it automatically adds "nude".
I installed a stripper pole outside my house. Haven't caught one yet.
I really hope Prince William doesn't get cold teeth, err, I mean feet!
Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying.Sincerely, Google.
Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985
Dear Rubik's Cube, Done! Sincerely, Colorblind 