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I accomplished NOTHING today! And yes, I'm proud of that AND I still have my jammies on :) 
ready to have one too many!
Women are like cell phones. They love to be held, talked to, and handled with care. But if you hit the wrong button, they'll disconnect you in a heartbeat...
I'm a good girl, I am. I just never said what I am good at.
With all the accomplishments of science like mapping the gnome, spaceships on planets, etc.. You think someone would be able to devise a toothpaste that didn't make orange juice taste like ass. Just sayin'
Wow! The kids from Glee are all singing about accepting themselves for who they are, the autotuned cranked up to 10. Think about that. Take as much time as you need....
I feel duped. I went to a march of dimes event, and I didn't see a single damn dime marching.
Hey you. Yeah you. No, not you... That other guy. You right there! Yes, you.... Do you like tacos?
Well,today was a total waste of your makeup
Just think how interesting facebook would be if there was a "cheating on spouse with _______" relationship status
I bet George Washington never imagined he'd be the number one cause of lapdances.
Dear DroidX, I am not trying to spell "Duck"...thank you!
Wondering - will there EVER be a day when it's raining that my mouth says 'Umbrella'.... and my mind doesn't immediately follow with 'ella ella eh eh eh' ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ Thanks for the mind games, Rihanna!!!
Who drinks only one beer? Mrs. Bud Light needs a companion in my belly and she likes to speed date.
Procrastinators unite!…Tomorrow..
If a blonde throws you a grenade…you pull the pin and throw it back!
Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google
We fought wars so we wouldn't care about royal weddings.
I'm really hoping a devilishly hansom older version of my self explodes into my room in a ball of smoke and lightning with wads of cash and a 2011-2020 sports almanac
Lindsay Lohan drives drunk, was busted for coke, steals cars, steals necklaces, and still manages to get a standing ovation on Leno!?!! 