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If the Easter Bunny leaves you Jelly Beans, don't eat the brown ones. 
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
So 'Lol' has become the new , 'Yep I have nothing to say'
Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson should get hitched... Just sayin.
I have a truck, shovel and a map, I dare you to keep pissing me off.
If they weren't meant to be used to get attention, God would've put boobs in a different place.
It would have been a more believable story if Jesus had died on a Monday and then rose again on a Saturday, just like I do every week.
Its times like these that makes me wish I had that BUDWEISER app for my Iphone
If the bank wanted the security picture on the front of my debit card to be accurate for my account, they would've let me frown.
What prescription was Peter on that caused cotton tail? I've had cotton mouth, but can't even imagine having a parched behind. Poor Peter.
Driving down the road I saw a person hitch hiking, the sign read "Heaven Bound". Me being the good person I am, I hit that person, I hope they made it!
When you poke someone on facebook, where exactly are you supposed to be poking them ?
Have you noticed in movies they ask someone wearing a mask "who are you?"
Marriage: finding that special someone you want to annoy the rest of your life
People say best friends are hard to find. That's because the best one's already mine.
Mistakes make you think. They make you realize that sometimes there are no next times, no time outs and no second chances.
♥ True love doesn't have a happy ending. It has NO ending ♥
Just because you poked me doesn't mean I'm going to poke you back. I've seen first hand what poking leads to and I can't afford 18yrs of child support right now.
Was filling up my vehicle and started yelling "FIRE! FIRE!". The attendant came running out to help, "there's no fire". "I know...but I read somewhere that no one comes to help when you're being raped"
When I become president, I'm keeping a magic 8 ball on my desk. That's how I run a country... 