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I'm so unreliable that I'm thinking about dressing up as a calculator for Halloween just so my friends can finally count on me. 
If a girl flushes a public toilet with her foot, there is probably a lot of other things she won't do.
Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN.....against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.
But, officer, that school zone pulled out right in front of me!!
Everyday I cry in the shower and ask myself, was that Klondike bar really worth it?
If only I had stuck with dodgeball since elementary. I could have gone pro.........
whenever theres a need to sign into an online acct and it asks the security question 'whats your favorite animal' I wonder how many ppl besides me answer with Liger.
And remember... if you see an onion ring... answer it.
Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.
A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey shore. Post a pic of a favorite book as your profile pic in support of the many books that have lost their lives. (Note: Please do not post Twilight "books," this is serious!)RE-POST and make a difference
Wow I slept like an air traffic controller last night.
The most impressive magic trick of all is how magicians are able to make all of their shame disappear.
A lot of sports teams are called 'The Devils'... if I had a sports team I would call it 'The Jesus Christ Almighties'
Never let your persistence and passion turn into stubbornness and ignorance.
Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?
I bumped into a guy as I was hurrying off the elevator and I go "Why am I so eager to get to work?" and we laughed and I stole his wallet.
The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."
"Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen is playing on the radio.....brings back memories of my kick ball days in elementary school, I was a beast.....I coulda been a contender!.
If you can read thank a teacher. If you can read in English, thank a Marine.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 