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If her ass had a red "you are here" dot on it, I'd never get lost in thought. 
A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.
She told me she'd sleep with me when pigs fly, so you can imagine how happy I am to see that police helicopter over my house right now.
Does anyone know where you sign up to get a tee time at the Masters or is this some kind of invite only bulls***?
"Happy Birthday! Hope your balls finally dropped! :)" - Things not to post on your ex-boyfriend's facebook page. Apparently.
I wonder if my life would be better if I wrapped it in bacon?
Guy in office: "My computer just went down on me!" Lady in next office: "Which button did you press to get that???"
Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a wife pushing it around.
The test of Love is not how long it survives, but how it renews itself with each passing day.
My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner........But someone let the cat out of the bag
why do people say things regarding you, without mentioning you, and pretending it has nothing to do with you
I offend people in a nice way
Friends are like shoes. We look for good-looking ones, but at the end, we choose the ones we feel comfortable with.
You have to speak to be heard, but sometimes you have to be silent to be appreciated.
I just had a Clark Kent moment, I didn't recognize you because you didn't have your glasses on.
Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a smack upside the head. Lets raise awareness.
Remember, Eat Your School, Stay in Drugs &&& Don't Do Vegetables?.......Wait........
If at first you do succeed, try something harder
After hearing the news that an AirFrance jumbojet clipped a Delta Airlines plane, France immediately surrendered.
Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody. 