FLUFF!! Funny Status Messages

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!

   EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!

   I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

   great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.

   In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those

   You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.

   It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.

   Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!

   I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(

   My career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer

   if I had 10 cookies, and you took half, what would you have? ... THAT'S RIGHT!! A black eye and a broken hand!!!

   According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was

   Seriously guys, if you want a woman to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you guys need to learn to a save a tree and eat a beaver.

   It's perfectly OK to pretend that you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   So this year I decided to fill out my own tax return, and guess what ... I'm getting back 4 million dollars!!!

   FYI - Valentines Day is only 4 days away... It's not too late to break up.

   Today's brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.

   I wish I could have sex for everytime I was turned down for sex

   If I had a dollar for eveytime I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream