Boo Hiss! Funny Status Messages

   I've come to a life altering decision. I'm giving up the guitar, and gonna to learn to play that thing in the Ricola commercials.

   The weekend just logged me out due to inactivity.

   Son: Dad, I want a car!" Dad: "Not unless you cut your hair." Son: "Jesus had long hair!" Dad: "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too."

   Never trust a diet program where the inventor posts only head shots of themselves.

   Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmastime. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was 'cause my mom put eggnog in my bottle.

   December 7th, 1941. Never forget. I'm boycotting sushi.

   I'm quitting my job as professional fisherman. I can't live on my net income.

   I find nothing more frightening or upsetting than someone saying to me those "three special words"..."Welcome To Tennessee."

   People ask why I get hot women. I do not have a large pen!$...it's small, but it can talk and is very complimentary.

   All these New Year's facebook invites. Go see a $hitty band 2,000 miles away. A smoke filled rednekk bar 1,000 miles away. Or stay home and get sauced with a hot blonde in a Frederick's outfit. What to do what to do....

   Q: What is the difference between a Hell'$ Angel and Jehovah's Witness? A: The Hell'% Angel comes to your door and tells YOU to "F*&%k Off!!"

   I had a circular driveway put in my front yard. Now I can't get out.

   This is amazing & really works with ANY age!! Take your age, add two, subtract two. THAT's your age!! CrAzY!!

   When I was a kid, my brother would say stuff to me like, "My mom can be@t up ur mom!"

   Yeah so, the only thing I wrote on your facebook timeline was Happy Birthday!!! I put three exclamation points. What else you want?

   Hump Day tedium..(Yes, tedium. I don't care about your boring business deal. Unless you won the lottery or Marilyn Monroe came back from the dead to gave you head, your day was tedious.)

   This year I'm giving my girl the best Christmas gift ever. Anybody got any tips on how to wrap your b@lls?