Funny Status Messages

   "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill

   From what I've been told by inside sources, Pete had the most votes in Iowa, but Bernie Sanders keeps insisting that they be distributed equally.

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

   When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...

   My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier. So I’ve got that going for me.

   I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?