Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?

   Worse thing about having a couple ex's in group of friends. I always have to check the attending list on Facebook events before confirming.

   Every time I found something to eat in the refrigerator, I feel like I found a treasure.

   Someone needs to tell Dominique Strauss-Kahn that in this country bankers are only allowed to screw their customers.

   It's great having a JOB that leaves me Just Over Broke.

   Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

   ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!

   A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.

   Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.

   We are the WTF generation : Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   Bill Gates is telling everyone what to do about the virus but he can't even stop windows from getting a virus...

   Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.

   How's everyone holding up? It was crazy last night. I must have killed like fifteen zombies. But I still don't understand why they were all carrying bags of candy.

   French onion soup is just regular onion soup that doesn’t shave its armpits

   Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.

   Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...

   If Trump wins I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.

   RIP Mainstream Media.

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.

   Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow