Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to say that no one could be that stupid. Then I met you. I don't say that anymore.

   The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...

   Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!

   "We have to get together sometime!" is a just another way of saying, "I regret running into you."

   I have not heard a single person mention a music video in the discussion of last night's VMAs.

   Mind of a Human: "we need to save the Polar Bears" Mind of a Polar Bear: "I can't wait to eat another Human. Those things are damn tasty"

   My dog likes to stand and stare at the front door for no reason because he knows the idea of unexpected visitors freaks me out.

   The difference between "I do" and "Do me" is the happily ever after part.

   My I.Q. goes from 125 to about 14 when there's a hot girl around.

   I'm on Twitter because my family is on Facebook.

   Just to remind you: about 152 Days left to Christmas and 148 until the end of world happens again! Enjoy it!

   Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,, and just started enjoying reading and writing posts..

   Just walked a mile in my own shoes............ not as good as I thought I'd be

   The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you'd react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

   Please spare me the agony of listening to your relationship problems if you always end up with the same idiot.

   Come to think of it... I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

   I see the grade schoolers are here for the long weekend with the childish "jokes"

   I think I ate to much, I dont mean right now. Just in general.

   Quick! Sign here ______, here ______ and on this side ______, done! I'll explain on our honeymoon.

   Dude, if you've never hit the brakes while your girl was putting on lipstick…we'll never be friends.