Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hide my vodka in orange juice

   This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.

   Only dead fish swim with the stream.

   Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever.

   I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.

   I don't have a drinking problem, if anything I'm too damn good at it.

   I put my pants on just like every other man... With my woman telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

   Well, the New US Congress finished its first real day of work. There's probably a motion on the floor now to take the rest of the year off.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   Hey girls wearing camoflauge, you can't hide the slutty with that.

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it.

   my signature move is to get her too tangled up in the sheets to escape.

   When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.

   If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right.

   Started out with nothing and still have most of it.

   A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.

   I hate when I ask the person beside me to pass me some toilet paper & they start begging the flight attendant to let them switch seats.

   I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...

   People that say relationships are easy have probably never been in a real relationship. Cats don’t count.