Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time you refresh your timeline less than 5 minutes after checking it, it should say "Maybe you should try making friends"

   There are a few people I'd like to go to bed with but I can't think of a single person I'd like to wake up with. Too honest?

   Dilemma: The person next to you needs the heimlich maneuver but you have an erection

   very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

   Today is the kind of day where I shouldn't leave the house unless I have Yoshi and like three extra lives.

   If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

   No, that dress doesn't make you seem fat...but your dependence on others' opinions definitely makes you seem shallow."

   I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.

   Not sure if "swag/yolo" finally died off, or something worse is coming

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.

   I get very competitive at all you can eat buffets.

   I found Samuel L. Jackson's swear jar and I don't think he's being completely honest with himself.

   Girls; Don't kill yourself over a boy. He'll just bring another girl to your funeral.

   You can't deny chemistry. Some people just belong together...you know, like flies and shi t.

   Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?

   That "speaking to another human being" feature on my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.

   I may be on Santa's naughty list but at least I had fun getting there.

   Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my damn goals for the day.

   Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works.