Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.

   Be your own best friend. Everyone will be jealous.

   I like the fact that you can see someone's location on their Facebook profile. Because It makes it easier for me to avoid them.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   Last night,,, I dreamt about Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried rap battling...... (You're welcome, for that mental imagery)

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.

   I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving

   How about we put Sandusky and the Colorado shooter in the same cell, and turn out the lights?

   Sometimes relationships last longer when facebook doesn't know about them.

   My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication.

   I'm starting to believe that most people wouldn't be that much different if they were turned into actual zombies....

   I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

   I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.

   When will companies understand their packaging is being opened by human beings not robots?

   Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It's just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.

   The best things about celebrating the holiday with family as you get older is the kids table now contains alcohol.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   Some of us are truly living and others are just struggling not to die.

   My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...

   My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.