Funny Status Messages

   The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.

   Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.

   If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office