Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes all you need in life is some really good sex.

   Everyone needs to understand that the whole world is being played.

   If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

   I've been playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds and so far all I've won is a double chin and 3 heart attacks

   Wow it's hot outside....I was only out there for 10 minutes and I was wetter than Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards...

   I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........

   I dreamed I had sex with my ex last night. I swear she ruins everything.

   Doing a self breast exam. All I'm getting is a hard nipple. So I'm good right?

   The Judge denied Jerry Sandusky's request to serve 30-60 in a Juvenile Detention Center.

   Events like the death of the Indian gang-rape victim just help remind me why I hate humans so much.

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   People say I’m sarcastic but I’m just investigating the effects of irony on morons.

   If I press 2 for Spanish, can I pay my bill in pesos?

   Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.

   Destroying my chances at getting elected to public office on Facebook post at a time.

   I bet the taliban is watching Honey Boo Boo saying "We can now watch them destroy themselves."

   Colorado Legalizes Marijuana and peyton manning buys 20 papa johns stores in Colorado! some people just get it!

   I noticed last night that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.

   So yesterday at about this time, I was all like, "I'm so thankful for my friends, my life, my freedom." Today...I'd risk prison punching you in the neck for a flat screen.

   I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.