Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Spring is almost here! Happy people walking, kids playing outside, dog sh!t everywhere.....Life is grand! 
Welcome to Facebook. Feel free to attack, judge and air your own and everyone Else's dirty laundry!! Don't forget to keep it Catty and Cryptic!!
When I'm on the phone, I like to press the buttons and say "Would you please stop doing that!"
A girl I know went to apply for a job at Hooters. She said there was no application, they gave her a bra and said, "Here fill this out."
When did Facebook turn into an Emo message board?! Seriously, cheer up or I'm unfriending your ass!
Reckons that in the right light,at the right angle,if you squint & stand on on leg,I might look like I give a damn
Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she is fat and you try to reply "Noooo", auto correct changes it to "Moooo" so that's pretty cool.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
She wanted to eat at a Chinese restaurant. I didn't want to eat at a Chinese restaurant. So we compromised and ate at a Chinese restaurant.
Ignore him and he will go away, simple solution
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.
Can we start a rumor that all Ed Hardy & Tapout shirts are bullet proof?
Who wants to put on a bear costume and tear apart the tents of people camping outside a Best Buy for Black Friday?
if it's private, don't post it on FB. You don't see me bragging about screwing my wifes sister, do you??
What is the difference between a Snickers and Justin Bieber? The Snickers has nuts....ZING...
worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss...
You mean you guys don't write for TV sitcoms either? 