Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Sex is like air... it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   You ever check your weight before and after you sh!t? I tried it and I gained weight. I think I did something seriously wrong.

   Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children." ...Then the f*cking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.

   I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme!

   The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.

   What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).

   It must be impossible to stand out as a prostitute working on Halloween.

   My friend pointed out the other day, that the book/film "New Moon" is bassically just one girls choice between Beastiality, or Necrophilia... hope that gives you ladies out there a little perspective on "romance."

   WWE: 2 people fighting over a belt even though neither of them is wearing pants.

   I want to be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.

   The name brand bologna was on sale and actually cheaper than the store brand today but I still bought the store brand because I don't want my family getting used to such luxuries...

   I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"

   Please stop picturing me naked... I haven't even brushed my teeth yet!

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   you know it wasn't always called bipolar, it once was called being a b!tch

   Actually it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th.

   A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.