Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember you were once the fastest most victorious sperm in the bunch!!

   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

   Megan Fox naked. Oops. This isn't Google.

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.

   For 20 yrs Jay-Z referred to other men's daughters as b!tches & hoes then decides his own daughter Princess Baby Jesus is exempt from the game!

   Who else is hiding in the bathroom at their mom's house drinking?

   People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz.

   I'll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life, I'm going to "let cool in microwave for 1 minute".

   I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"

   Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.

   Ive saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!

   If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.

   THEY'RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU'RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU'RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

   Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses

   Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".

   Phil Robertson just learned the hard way that once you get sponsorships you can no longer express your opinion...unless your sponsors give you that opinion.

   If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...

   I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.

   I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds?

   Have you ever noticed people who work in designer stores have attitudes like they can afford to not work in a store?