Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Being a lot more reckless these days, ever since I found that 1-UP mushroom.

   Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.

   If I ever become rich and famous, I won't forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.

   I think my girlfriend's hallucinating. She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

   Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

   So I'm giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)

   She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

   For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

   Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap in my room. Like he sat there and thought about it.

   My car goes from 0 to 60 in five minutes.

   It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!" as much as it is "When Stupid People Get Bit."

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list...

   It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.

   Seems like I can't go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.

   Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

   It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's a life of piracy on the high seas.

   I live every day like it's my first. There's a lot of crying and sleeping involved.

   My life can be summed up in an overwhelming urge to wash my hands.

   I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.

   My life coach just benched me.