Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.

   RIP Macho Man. He must of had an early boarding pass for the rapture. You will be missed......

   The term weekend could have a whole new meaning tomorrow.

   Unf*cking believable, I expected to see Zombies outside of my apartment, you know what I saw? A dog taking a dump

   the elevator to success is out of order please use the stairs, one step at a time

   When someone from customer service says, "that is an excellent question"... they're basically saying they don't have a clue about the answer.

   Just watched the movie Scarface. I'm not one to judge, but if you use your entire hand to make the line you might have a drug problem.

   yes we know you are heartbroken but please stop posting all those sad youtube songs.

   Temper is what gets most of us into trouble... Pride is what keeps us there.

   You know you're getting old when 'happy hour' is an afternoon nap

   Freedom is never free. But it will lower gas prices soon !

   Hung-over, Adj. Suffering from near death like state, often catatonic and always with a pounding headache. Unbalanced with no sense of humor. Needs total silence and another drink.

   I don't fear love's magic, I just fear some magicians.

   I can't completely hate on Valentine's Day since its ending signifies the beginning of Cadbury Egg season, one of the greatest seasons EVER!

   School taught me one thing i'll never forget..........how to text without looking

   wonders how different the world would be if bad and stupid people came with warning labels

   "Just going on the computer to check one thing!" - Me, three hours ago.

   When is that guy from the Men's Wearhouse commercials gonna clear his throat?

   When a quiz is NOT multiple choice... You know you're screwed.

   I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships.