Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   I went for a walk on the beach with this chick I liked, and we came across this dead bird. I said, "Eew look at that dead bird!" She looked UP and said, "Where??" I didnt call her again after that. :|

   Why are the people in herpes commercials always so chipper and happy? Does the pill make them forget they have herpes?

   They should make a more honest name for 16 and Pregnant. Stupid Little Girls sounds good to me.

   Procrastination is like masturbation...if feels good while you're doing it but in the end you only f*cked yourself

   People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

   Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.

   I can leap off tall buildings in a single bound, but only once.

   If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.

   If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg... We left Myspace because Facebook was simple, not all flashy, & it was always changing crap... FYI... Your running a close race now... Leave an option for us to keep it simple... Thanks...

   So if Bruce/Catline Jenner goes missing, will they put the picture on a carton of Half & Half?

   I think Bruce Jenner's trying a little too hard to 'Keep Up With The Kardashians.'

   If we have learned anything lately, it's to never run from a lazy cop.

   Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?

   The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.

   I havend't heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he's okay.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

   Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.

   Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.