Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If ANY OF YOU were to invite me to come over and hang out inside of your pillow fort all day, I would be there - with booze.

   A giraffe in a top hat walks into a bar and orders six martinis and shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help.

   When I finally meet the love of my life, I hope he appreciates all the time I spent following him and hiding in his bushes.

   watching the local weather girl and have no idea what it's gonna be like today....

   The annoying moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you're watching.

   Saturday... When adding whiskey to your coffee is NOT frowned upon.

   Kids growing up today will never know what its like to have no internet, no cell phones, and a whole bunch of pubic hair.

   HEY,,,I've already lined up an auctioneer to read my eulogy...... No one likes drawn out funerals.... You're welcome.

   Found an old playboy from the 70's last night, I wonder why they didnt call it hair club for men...

   The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them

   If someone does not appreciate your presence, give them a taste of your absence and see how they like it.

   Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.

   Ha Ha!! For the past two weeks I've just been giving a bowl of alphabet soup a stir,, and posting whatever floats to the top.

   Relationships are like garage sales: At a distance it looks like it could be interesting...up close it's just a ton s$it you don't need!

   When I see your face, there's nothing that I would change. LOL JK, I'd change the direction I'm walking in.

   How to save money on Halloween candy, set a empty bowel on the front porch and write a nice note that says please only take one piece of candy, that way everyone can have some.

   I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch

   The show "19 Kids and Counting" could easily be renamed "People Hoarders".

   Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day when they are lying in hospitals, dying of nothing

   See this hand? It's going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.