Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever someone sasy: "I'm sorry, it's just who I am." What they really mean is: "I am a giant a**hole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."

   I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.

   Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

   Happy 4th of July my American friends. We got you a gift. His name is Justin Bieber. Keep him!! Love Canada.

   remember before facebook when you would take a picture of your dinner, get it developed and take it to all your friends houses and show them?. Me neither.

   here's to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store

   A Mosquito landed on my friends face.. Easiest decision of my life..

   I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   Kinda sucks Cinderella had to end up with someone who couldn't remember what her face looked like.

   Bieber wasn't in that car by chance was he?

   not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

   "Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like the side view.

   Heads up... If your significant other is paranoid about you cheating, it probably means they are.

   You need to have an open mind, but not so open that your common sense falls out.

   A Sunday school teacher once saw me leave a door wide open and asked "Were you born in a Barn?!" She shut up real quick when I replied "You mean like JESUS?!!!"

   I'm gonna build a fort under my desk. I checked the employee handbook and there's nothing in there saying I can't..

   saw a sign in the hospital the other day that read "Family Planning - Use rear entrance" ........ good advice I thought

   Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

   Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.