GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Everybody hates a cliffhanger because of the

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   Cooking for 2 hours just to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.

   My smart mouth always gets me in trouble. And if it's not my mouth, it's my facial expressions.

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   I'm combining Easter and April Fools Day together this year. I'm sending kids out to search for eggs I haven't hidden.

   Shout-out to everyone lying in bed just scrolling on their phone.

   Marriage tip: When you're in an argument with your wife, just use the phrase "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong." This will help her realize that you are always correct.

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   I think we should cancel April Fools this year. There is no prank topping reality.

   Remember when we used to do prank calls growing up? Now those spam calls are karma getting us back.

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it. Just make your last post something fun like "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket and that you're a really good catch!

   Marriage tip: If your wife says she's only getting two things at the store, don't believe her. She's lying!

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!