Funny Status Messages

   You think putting a pineapple ring on a canned ham is baking? No wonder your cat left you.

   One sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

   Women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja.

   If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.

   If you’re shorter than 4 foot your pronouns are, eeny-meeny-miny-moe.

   There are only two genders, male and female. The rest are mental disorders.

   The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

   When the new girl wants to spend the night; “the couch pulls out, but I don’t.”

   I dance like a car dealership’s inflatable tube man.

   Now that the statues are down, tell us how your life has improved. Take your time, I’ll wait.

   Silver Alert: Elderly white male, early dementia, yells “C’mon Man!”

   If you've ever used the word welp, there's no need for the rainbow flag.

   Landline phones never get destroyed in washing machines.

   Do you ever think for yourself? CNN viewer: “No, I have television for that.”

   the FBI going to raid the house of the reporter who published the Alito opinion? Or is that just reserved for the reporters who got Ashley Biden’s diary.

   Gaslighting ~ people who try to control others through manipulation will often accuse you of behaviors that they are engaged in themselves. A classic manipulation tactic ripped right from the leftist playbook.

   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

   Good morning, I saw your Biden yard sign, so I know you’ll buy whatever kind of crap I’m selling.

   “Goats are like ducks, if you shoot a duck, I’m scared of toasters, c’mon man.” ~ Joe Biden

   Hide inside your friend’s toothpaste tube to give them a mysterious minty fresh surprise.