Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walmart has their Gillette razors under more security than Pete Hegseth’s war plans.

   The fact that anyone thought Todd Chrisley was straight is wild to me

   A Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.

   Was up all night again trying to figure out how I would describe Yahtzee to a deaf person without using the jerk-off motion.

   Tonight I'm Invisible Man for Halloween, as in you won't see me at any of your parties.

   All balloon rides are cancelled until further notice.

   We know your from Michigan because You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.

   Chaz Bono should be a weatherman. He is after all partly sonny. sorry I had to Cher.

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   BREAKING: Canada to remove tariffs, if the United States agrees to do the same. Would you look at that… 🤣

   Philadelphia has more assholes than any other city.

   The more I study the differences between the Beatles as a group vs their solo careers, the more I realize that the Beatles as a group could have been easily named the George Martin Project.

   has been marked safe from a kiss cam at a major event.

   Two slices of bread got married... The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom

   It's amazing what that one degree can do in your home temp wise, up or down.

   If a liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.

   97% of what I worry about, never happens. Apparently worry works.

   Every dang time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   Starbucks bathrooms are EXCLUSIVELY for terrible diarrhea, right?

   Anybody ever find out what the knights in white sat in ?