Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Donald Trump has the cojones to break that cycle of absurdity.

   When I was younger, 'potluck' meant you were able to score weed in less than 3 days.

   A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

   You can't explain something to people that don't even know which restroom to use.

   Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

   At some point the possum actually dies. Then all that practice finally pays off.

   If someone throws you to the wolves, come back leading the pack.

   NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT IF I SEE SOMEONE WEARING A WWE WRESTLING SHIRT, I AUTOMATICALLY DEDUCT 50 IQ POINTS .

   I often wonder what they plant to grow seedless watermelons.

   The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

   Have you ever wondered how stupid people knew they were being stupid before the slap to the back of the head was invented?

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle- age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   I'm writing a book on Reverse Psychology. Please don't buy it.

   Hello 911 a straight man is encouraging me to be my best self instead of bringing out the worst in me and idk what to do, send help.

   Guys, your wife works hard all day. Is it too much to ask for you to get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and plug it in so that it will be ready when she gets home?

   Checked my bank account and none of it was fraud it was all me damn

   If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher?

   Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.

   I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

   If gas prices get any higher, I'm gonna have to file for 'tank-ruptcy