Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

   No one can't tell me that I have to stop at a red light. It's mah freedom.

   How did Jesus find guys named: Peter, John, James, Matthew, Andrew, Phillip, Thomas, and Simon in the Middle East?

   I miss the good old days when you could actually have an opinion without offending someone.

   there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing by not sounding fat?

   I think people who get really offended by things they read on the Internet are probably the same people that take minigolf really seriously

   If you want to know How many people you can spray down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.The answer is 18

   Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

   Of course, I could kill you with kindness. But honestly, crushing your ego with sarcasm is just more my style.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   Its so damn hot today that I just saw a group of Amish women wearing daisy duke shorts!

   Updating my dating profile…. My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

   Anyone else find it funny that all these "Why does the military only get one day" people only say it during june? Never during any of the other 11 months

   My favorite song about spring is "Blowin in the Wind" by Peter, Pollen Mary.

   Its so hot, I just saw a bum with a sign that said "Will work for shade

   When I'm on my death bed I want my last words to be .... " I left one million dollars in the"................

   I cut down my own Christmas tree this year. My neighbor isn't very happy about it because it was in his yard.

   If it can’t be fixed with duct tape…then you aren’t using enough duct tape.

   I’m planning to adopt a dog soon..., it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

   Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles are 50 years old. The first WOKE cereals ever.