Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb an' applied rotation on her sugar plum. - Frank Zappa

   I don't know what's worse: Being caught cheating at a Coldplay concert, or just plain caught being at a Coldplay concert.

   playing genshin impact

   people who do mutinies should be called mutants

   They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

   If I can survive seeing my mom google “best jeans for oddly shaped teens” I can survive anything.

   Word of the Day: Bozone. The aura surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

   Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

   Johnny Depp could have avoided this entire mess if he had simply issued an Amber alert.

   There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

   The Internet has taught me two things: First, there are some incredibly brilliant people out there. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.

   Why is it, even after I press one for English, I still can't understand the person who comes on the line?

   Just go, Brandon!

   I wonder if Charles Manson ever got ashes on Ash Wednesday to cover up that swastika.

   I got mood poisoning from work....has anyone else had that problem?

   If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don't open it. It's spam.

   More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

   Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

   Every time I almost think humanity is going to be okay, I catch a glimpse of Amazon reviews...

   Yep the relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.