Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my neighbor says that his son called him and said he thought his roommate was gay.... he asked his son why he thought that... son says, well dad everytime I kiss him, he giggles

   I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

   Last night My wife and I had words but I never got to use mine.

   DC Comics introduced its first-ever transgender character. The character is called "Wonder If It's a Woman."

   I find it interesting how some women won't date a man that lives with his mother, but will date a man that lives with his wife.

   Donald Trump’s obsession with Canada is like his tanning lotion: unnecessary, over-applied, and a little sad.

   McDonald's New Big Mac Slogan: “Two Paper-Thin, Not Convinced They're Actual Beef Patties, Ketchup/Tarter Sauce Combo, Pale Lettuce, Fake Cheese Product, Pickles, Rehydrated Onions on a Miniscule Sesame Seed Bun.”

   Gonorrhea would have been a great name for an anti-diarrhea medicine.

   I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

   For everyone out there struggling with self-worth, just know that there are people out there that care. It sure as hell isn't me, but someone does.

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. But here were no police officers involved.

   Thin pancakes give me the crepes

   It's amazing how one transgender can trigger so much hate and ignorance. Like honestly, how are people like that affecting your lives?

   The problem isn't the puppet or the puppeteer. It's the imbeciles in the audience screaming for an encore.

   Supreme Court sides with Trump. Get the illegals outta here.

   I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

   Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks

   Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.

   It's sooooo hot, Hunter put ice in his coke

   Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.