Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes late at night I like to send prostitutes to my neighbors just to see if they let them in

   Where do I sign to get micro-chipped and controlled by the government, I'm tired of making my own decisions

   There. Summer is over. Hope you're happy you pumpkin spice loving psychos.

   I had a peanut butter sandwich on white bread with no jelly and nothing to drink. Long story short: I'm at the ER getting treated for Lockjaw.

   Elon Musk is out of control. And we love it.

   When someone tells me a joke and I don't get it, I just say, "Ooh, man. Too soon."

   We live in a " paper straw wrapped in plastic" kind of world. It's all stupid

   I accidentally took my cats meds this morning... Don't ask meow.

   Tip of the Day: Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing!

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm.

   If you’re single, and you know it… Pet your cat!🎵🎶

   I'm all for LGBTQ: Lasagna, Gyros, Bacon, Tacos, Quesadillas.

   Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

   When a police car circles around to go after the criminal, how do you know it's a police car? .... It just did a donut

   I'm lonelier than Colin Kaepernick at a Garth Brooks concert.

   Remember when Tom Brady threw a pick six in Super Bowl LI then gave up? Yeah, neither does anyone else...

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.

   Once you mine you ain't leaving, welcome to death row

   My first official April Fools act was changing all the clocks in the house ahead one hour! Update: prank backfired on me. I never changed the clocks during daylight savings. 🙄

   I'm so old when I was a kid Facebook didn't have a name and everyone just called it ADD.