Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honestly, I think pregnancy test commercials would be a whole lot more authentic if they showed two single people high-fiving when it’s negative

   I couldn't afford one of those DNA/ancestry kits, so instead, I posted that I won the lottery.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and be quiet. Well, guess what? She couldn't do either.

   never done absentee ballot voting before. Do I mail all 7 back at one time or space them out?

   I just returned from a Christmas concert put on by the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.

   Why isn't anyone using the "Truth social" media platform?

   Woo hoo, camouflage condoms. They will never see me cumming.

   I showed my Facebook page to my psychiatrist and she wants to talk to all of you.

   I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.

   Why is it that in womens feminine product commercials they're always laughing and dancing? Shouldn't they be reving chainsaws & burning sh** down?

   I choose what restaurants to go to, based on if they have Mr. Pibb

   The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be Happy . Now I live with 6 Dwarfs and work in a forest..

   Since we only have pop tarts and no mom tarts, Kellogg's is introducing, "Gender Neutral Tarts."

   A Charlie Brown Christmas, but the tree is Eric Trump’s brainchild: flimsy, artificial, and overinflated by Dad’s credit card.

   i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

   A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

   The world is finally divided into two clear groups: The vaccinated ones waiting for the non-vaccinated to die, and the non-vaccinated waiting for the vaccinated to die.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even? thanks

   I Love it when my pets sigh, like whats ails you my little freeloader 😄

   I'd like to be a nudist but we just don't have the weather for it