Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend thinks I am incapable of being Faithful... My wife on the other hand, has a sister I wouldn't mind, if ya know what I mean

   When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

   I like to eat some weird and uncanny food combinations that would otherwise upset a normal person's stomach. So I guess you could call me "The Indigestible Hulk"

   I used to care what people thought of me until I tried to pay my bills with their opinions.

   If you think you are smarter than the previous generation...50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.

   Remember when Scar in The Lion King promised the hyenas a better life in order to use them to gain power, but when they realised he lied to them they ate him? Something to think about.

   Being famous on social media is like being rich in Monopoly.

   I've had just about enough of the "avocado this", "avocado that" stuff. Somebody please get me a calzone with sausage and pepperoni. 😛

   I Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.

   An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested in New Jersey over the weekend. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kid's meals are $250.00.

   How much ground would a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground?

   If you're going to mess around with opioids - overdoses happen, and usually Narcan until it can't.

   that moment when This morning I had call 911 on the truck with the flashing lights in behind me that passed me....turns out it wasnt a cop on the phone, its was the dispatcher.

   Buzz Aldrin is kind of narcissistic. I saw him giving a speech and he said, "I am the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me."

   Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

   I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

   My adopted highway called the Department of Transportation to find his real father.

   If you ever meet a girl that admits she's wrong, apologizes, and changes her ways, dump her because she might be a man. Women don't do that.

   I'm sure Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend’s house.