Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should release the Epstein list right before the Oscars.

   You call me "Far Right" but I think what you really mean is "Right so Far."

   Two hundred fifteen pounds? More like five hundred pounds.

   I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

   If you’re looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!............... We can look for it together.

   I said to the waiter, "This fish is dry." And he said, "Yes sir, we had to take it out of the water."

   To everyone that signed my 7th grade yearbook. You will be happy to know I did in fact “stay cool”

   Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty dang expensive.

   Never accept a drink from a urologist.

   I'd make a swear jar but I don't have the type of income to keep up with my mouth...

   Got the results of my history exam. Past.

   He had nine days in the desert, why didn’t he take the time to name the horse??

   You know growing up I could tell who had money and who didn't. People with money had Tupperware people without money had butter containers.. We used butter and cool whip containers

   Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

   dotn dirnk and udpate Fistbook statass!

   The kids keep laughing about my memory. they won't be laughing to long when there's no eggs under the tree.

   sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

   if sunflower oil is made of sunflowers and vegetable oil is made of vegetables, whats baby oil made of?

   You can fear God all you like. Me, on the other hand, will be friends with God.

   Whenever I see a Facebook profile shared by a man and woman, I wonder which of the two has the the tightest vajayjay.