Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   to the lady with all the hot selfies who claims she could steal my husband if she wanted... I will have him ready for you at 2

   Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

   idk why people get paranoid about getting a chip put in them someday. ...lays & pringles have been putting chips in me for years

   There's a lot of anti Trump babies in here!

   No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

   I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

   AAA says keeping your tires properly inflated can save drivers 8 cents a gallon. I say a properly cast vote can save you $3.00 a gallon.

   The holiday season is here. Remember to set your scales back 10lbs at midnight.

   I finally caved in and started using pronouns. Mine are We/Won

   If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw. ..Just in case!

   Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog Roxy.

   If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

   My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris.

   How great is this? Amazon Cancels Orders From China After Steep Tariffs, Plans $15B U.S. Expansion

   It's always best to fart when there's a baby on the bus. They ALWAYS get the blame.

   One teacher can change your whole life. Like the one that knocked up my cousin.

   If she witnessed you pull start the lawn mower in one go, she's already pregnant

   US auto workers demand to be replaced by American robots, not those damn Mexican el robots.

   If you're alone and sad for Valentine's Day, to make you feel better just remember that for the love of a woman Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with clubs :-)