Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it is rude to poke someone in the forehead and say "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.

   Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

   Vegans have an issue with killing animals, but are a-ok when it comes to abortion.

   This new deodorant label said "remove cap and push up bottom". Now my armpits still stink and my buttcheeks burn, but every time I pass gas the room smells like Old Spice...

   she is never yours, its just your turn.

   Math back in the day: 2x+4=10. Find X Math today: If Karen buys 16.5 hamsters, but four of them eat each other, and two spontaneously combust, how many carrots will it take for them to shut up and let me sleep?

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, then everyone disagrees.

   I died for your sins. Now suck my ding dong! -Jesus

   Cat scratch covid fever!

   My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

   As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   Not trying to brag or make anyone jealous, but I can still fit in the same sized gloves I wore in high school...

   The reality is that there is NO reasonable alternative to evolution in science. At least not a version of “science” which does not glean its facts from a book written thousands of years ago by primitive desert people.

   McDonald's is the only restaurant I know that repeats everything you said and still gives you the wrong order. 🙀

   Tonight I will be visited by 3 "Spirits"............. Rum, Vodka, and Gin.

   My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just took it.

   “Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

   The Wicked Witch of the West said it best: What a world, what a world

   The punisher is like every other Marvel Tv show on Netflix. Could have done everything in 2 episodes but decided to add 8 more unnecessary ones.

   lights off : there in grown hairs, lights on: there herpes