Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's my birthday!! These crazy woman sending me all these flowers it look like a funeral up in here

   If you are Canadian and have used Maple Syrup as lube, can I get some pancakes with that?

   Guy:My hair is not usually this messy. Girl: Really? Your hair is saying, "I wish I was emo so I can cut myself"

   Recent study shows half the teenagers have never sent a letter, I guess a text/email don't count must be all the abbreviations OMG!

   :: I'm so funky hit by truck after playing in traffic. Internet Rejoices.

   Taking applications for a booty call and unless I get attached, don't get attached, thank you lol. . .

   Secretly replaced the back

   Element: Women Discoverer: Adam, 4000BC Symbol: eye roll Boiling Point: Inconsistent Atomic Mass: WTF DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS?!

   Got a massive poke backlog, could you all poke yourselves.....i'm too lazy....Bob

   i am now doing my bucket list,until I kick the bucket challenge.

   I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?"

   My girlfriend Polly Esther never complains.

   WERE HIPPOPOTAMUSES NAMED HIPPOPOTAMUSES BECAUSE THEY WERE REALLY HIP POPOTAMUSES OR WHAT ?

   I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

   I'm afraid to laugh. Because those who came in laughing made me cry the most!

   Bringing blacks into this country was the worst thing to ever happen here.

   Below yeah you, Huckleberry Fin do you realize it's a meme?

   I never got why people liked sitting homje without pans on so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I'm left wondering why people have jobs.

   I saw this beautiful gal at the bar & went to ask her name, she said “1st Name: Outa, 2nd Name: Your League.”

   If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.