Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

   the problem with two-faced people is that you never sure which face to slap.

   Bank account: $1401.23 Me at the car dealership: where are the f350 platinums

   S&P 500 best day since 2008, and Trump doesn't know what he's doing??? Go away, 'crat puppet.

   Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why I can not watch Breaking Bad.

   Stop saying you support local businesses when you eat at chain restaurants, shop at big box stores, and only attend major league sporting events.

   My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to "Gilligan's Island" (beginning and end)

   I don't know how I can keep on living, knowing I was wrong about bad consequences of legalizing weed. I hate being told "I told you so".

   Everyone is single. Some merely live under the illusion that a legal document, a ring and two meaningless "I do's" changes that.

   Girl: You were so nice earlier on the phone, now you're being mean. Why? - Me: That was before I cranked one out to your pics.

   Look son, you march right back in there and take that Batman costume off. I'm the Batman of the family and YOU KNOW IT!

   "54 days till Halloween Halloween Halloween, 54 days till Halloween Sliver Shamrock." Ba ha ha boo.

   I think Aliens are controlling the climate that's why we have to put an end to DACA

   Dear Netflix, I like the foreign movies you play but nein sprechen sie Deutsch, so please stop playing one's without subtitles I don't understand. Thanks

   I take all the credit when we win and blames all the losses on everyone else. That's what makes me normal.

   One should not mock ones speech error when they them self make speech errors.

   I really hope the post office finds my $200 package from eBay & that someone didn’t actually steal it off my porch.

   All these people on my list, and not none of ya talking to me... This is kinda awkward. I feel weird now..

   I do 50 sit-ups between each glass of wine so don't question my commitment to exercise.

   The worst thing you can say to a white girl is a toss up between "Gwyneth Paltrow would hate you if she knew you" & "Your ankles are thick."