Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pfizer: raising the deads (viagra) and now saving the livings (vac)

   If Jada has a problem with jokes about alopecia, that's hair loss.

   Bedtime Tip: Ring the doorbell on your way to bed at night...this will clear the dogs off your bed long enough for you to get in and get comfortable...

   it normal to be out of breath when eating three Burrito Supremes?

   HR says that putting my pants on doesn’t mean I can take my top off

   Do you suppose Ghosts believe in People?

   I think it is so unfair that I have to manage my anger because other people can't manage their stupidity.

   The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

   I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

   "I'm sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ~ Angus Young of AC/DC

   and they seized the biggest land they ever seized illegally. Yet idiotz complain why are the rockets sheling.

   Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

   there a rehab for gossiping? I don't need it, but I'll tell you who does

   These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

   I've reached the age where I appreciate a nice handrail.

   The police chief found Waldo dead in his apartment from a self-inflicted gun shot wound. Maybe instead of us asking "Where's Waldo?", we all should have been asking "How's Waldo?"

   Call me old fashion, but I'm glad my mom was a woman.

   If I was a cr4ck addict, I might drive to another state to drop off a laptop and then forget about it.

   Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

   My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.