Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite part of the Olympics is when it's over.

   Science fact: a dog extracts more information from smelling a pile of excrement than a human does from reading the Daily Mail.

   I'm awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time.

   Last Reminder: It's St. Patrick's Day...take down your Christmas decorations.

   Guess what I did..I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   If sleep is important, then why does school start so early?

   I'm Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor

   I just choked on a carrot and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

   Ivanka Trump announced she got the vaccine shot. This means, no matter what I believe, I have to get the shot too or else the Trump family will hate me.

   If your enemy insist on taking horse dewormer.....let them.

   For Halloween, I think I'm going to dress up as Dumbledore or some other kind of grand wizard.

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

   Remember WWE admitted everything was staged entertainment? I'm waiting for politicians to make the same announcement.

   Q. What does a day old donut have in common with Betty White? A. They're both pretty dry when you eat them.

   I don't know much of what happened in Judge Jackson's confirmation, but I do know she did not cry and said she liked beer.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the couch in April and have grown bigger ever since

   Ladies, just so you know, 'Mansplaining' is short for 'Man Explaining'...

   It's not student loan forgiveness, it's just shifting the tax burden from the borrowers to the non-borrowers.

   The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

   Why can't the women on Price is Right wear thongs and a bikini top? The dudes go topless at times...