Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Joe Biden will never get my guns because I keep them upstairs.

   Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

   I fall easier naked! Why can't the flight attendant understand that?

   This can't be the same 92° I used to run around outside in as a kid.

   Women drinking coffee. My three favorite things.

   Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

   Will Smith, I'm not impressed. Tupac would have shot him.

   Netflix set to air GI Jane, starring Jada and Will Smith.

   Will Smith told Chris Rock to keep his wife's name out of his GD mouth. (But her poosy would be okay.)

   I invited a friend over for dinner and made steaks for the two of us. She took a bite of hers and said, "I like it well done." So I said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

   I was married for so long I almost forgot how to pick up fat chicks, then I remembered. It's a peice of cake!

   Tom Brady has over 600 touchdown passes in his career. Which works out to 420, when you adjust for inflation.

   There are two types of people in this world, those who finish a joke and those that

   Marriage tip 101: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   I came home today to find my wife has been on Ebay all day long... If she's still on there tomorrow, I'd have to lower the price.

   If you sit behind me honking your horn for letting a car into traffic I'm going to super polite and wait to let the next five cars to pull out into traffic as well.

   My wife and I got in a car accident today. She was behind the wheel driving, and I was on the outside of the car getting hit by it.

   But Donald Trump is greater than Jesus Christ! If you don't think that, then you're nothing but a traitorous RINO!!!!

   Muffins – for folks who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   When you both say goodnight & run into each other at the bar 😭