Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re not part of the government and you’re pro mandate you should change your name to Karen

   The Fires are God punishing California for voting for Kamala.

   got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

   If life hands you lemons, go find a kid with a papercut and make his life miserable.

   Question.. If you hit a person with an EV will you be charged for battery?

   Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

   Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers. Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

   Covid-19 basically destroyed the Corona beer brand...now it is going after an airline

   Without a doubt, the cashew is my favorite nut that sounds like a sneeze.

   You know what would would solve the whole Kaepernick issue? If only he was a better football player..

   Whenever someone asks "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me"? Come prepared! Keep a banana lodged in the depths of your underwear, pull in out and say "It's just a banana. I'm never happy to see you"!

   being an adult is staring at medium screens all day to come home and stare at a little screen while a big screen is on in the background

   The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

   The Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters.

   B*tches be like "like if you're awake" and I'll be like "b*tch, it's only 11:23"!

   "A message from all delivery drivers" If there are no numbers of your house you need to address that.

   I was happily watching a Bermuda Philharmonic concert when the guy on triangle disappeared.

   Great job keeping crap out of my eye, eyelash that's currently in my eye.

   We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

   synchronized noseblowing