Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "When covid Is over" Is starting to sound like "when the Dealls Cowboys win the Super Bowl.

   After you eat an edible there is a specific moment in time after which you may not post on Facebook.

   Got fired for being too early

   Some guys should have beards - Ugly, overweight.. Some guys shouldn't - Good looking, like myself.

   For some reason, I'm encouraged to find and marry an international escort too.

   Frnd : did you watch Barcelona v/s Bayern... ME : No.. I don't like to watch p orn !!!

   Just because it’s called make-up, it doesn’t mean it’s supposed to make-up 99% of your face!

   After my recent blind taste test, I was arrested and put in a mental institution for eating blind people.

   I only takeSTD test in jail. I like all my bad news atone time

   If incest is good enough for the royal family, then it's good enough for mine. - Rednecks

   Some boys will wear dark sunglasses in church, then be blaming God later when they end up being Welders.

   I had over 2,500 friends on my fb friends' list. I deleted every single one of those posing, airbrushed women who do nothing but clog up my newsfeed with the same ol' stuff. I now have zero friends.

   Just changed in my change jar Had $729!!!! oh wait it was $7.29

   I tickled someone behind closed doors... now my giant dong is gone.

   Do you guys want to take this a step further and be pen pals?

   If cars really exploded as easily as they do in movie's, I wouldn't have made it hope from the delivery room.

   went to the pharmacy to pick up some muscle relaxers..they were out so they substituted with bone relaxers..

   Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

   So we don't know what a woman is but we know they get paid less than men.

   Quick question: can I breastfeed if I've had implants?