Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not sure what Rage Against the Machine is a raging at, but it is probably a printer.

   Bite me again – my bottom lip

   i could never be president. I'm overqualified.

   You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

   A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating potato chips.

   If you swear an oath to always use the same furniture polish, do you have to recite the Allegiance of Pledge?

   Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

   I'm all for minorities being able to vote, as long as they vote for Trump.

   Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

   Inquiring minds want to know: Is the pride flag still flying over the US Embassy in Kabul?

   High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi.

   I’ve heard you should do one thing that scares you each day so today I’m going to walk into my son’s room without holding my nose.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, maybe you’ll hit a billionaire’s rocket ship

   I feel like Olympic sports should focus less on pointless sports like synchronized diving and more on essential skills like evading a bear in the pool

   There s another Covid strain brewing, it’s called the election strain. Make sure you chose the red candidates this November in order to stop this strain.

   If there are kids singing Christmas carols outside, is it rude to open the door and throw beer cans at them? Because I just did that.

   There was another kidnapping at a local a school today, luckily the kid woke up!

   It's taken 66 years for me to realize two things: Pizza and steak are overrated.

   Gotta grab your girls booty in public to let other guys know you bout that life.

   I bought some new white speedos yesterday for summer and the automated voice screamed, "unexpected item in bagging area".